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He asks: "What has been
going on between us yesterday, when you finished our phone conversation
so quickly? It seemed curt to me. Or am I wrong? Had your mood something
to do with me or with concerns about your sick mother?"
The
definition meta-conversation describes for example the situation, that
two or more persons discuss the way a certain conversation developped,
especially how they treated eachother in that conversation. Meta
originally comes from Greek language and means “higher” or “above”. Like
an onlooker, “the situation is observed from above”. This helps to get a
distance from the own person and from emotions not being aware of before
and influencing the situation (mostly negatively). Or you can say that a
conversation or conversational behaviour is analyzed in retrospect in
order to get final results and to optimize the course of conversation in
the future. Meta-conversations mainly deal with the way people
communicate with eachother, so to say with their relation. Besides it is
mostly about finding out if the other understood exactly what one
intended to communicate to him or her by means of language and
behaviour. Therefore meta-conversations reduce misunderstandings and
improve “conversational culture”. They are an excellent instrument to
make and maintain good relations.
For
a lot of people the exchange of information (“you`ve got a stain on your
pants”) is most important in a conversation (the so-called material
level). The fact is, however, that with every sentence we speak, we send
a great deal of additional messages and in the end it is always the
receiver who decides on their contents. He hears or decides if it is
criticism (“you look messy again”) if he should behave differently (wash
your pants, will you!) if he feels treated like a child (“everything has
to be told you”) or if the other reveals something about himself (“I am
ashamed being your companion”). According to the selected meaning, the
reaction of the receiver will be different. In the case the selected
meaning doesn`t match the sender`s intention (what is more rule than
exception) conflicts are bound to happen. However, conflicts are not the
only main difficulty of a good communication. One-sided monologues,
permanent interruptions and no response to what the other says are also
part of it. Such behaviour can also become subject of meta-conversation
and change hopefully in the future.
Tips
for meta-conversations:
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Come to an agreement with the person you want to talk to that you want
to have a pure meta-conversation. Its main purpose is to find out in
which way you talk to eachother and which effect the different
conversation behaviour has on eachother. Based on this assumption
“rules” can be developped which can improve further communication so
that it becomes more likely that (mutual) understanding of eachother
will be better in the future (f.ex. sending so-called me-messages
instead of criticism and attack, frequent request for feedbacks in
order to find out what the other finally understood).
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Make a clear break between the “analyzed conversation” and the
“meta-conversation”relating to it in which raised tempers can calm
down. Make yourself clear that meta-conversations not only deal with a
complete different subject but also with a complete different
perspective. This is sometimes easier if you leave the former seats
and sit down on completely different seats or at least stand behind
your former seats. You can also change the room and ask oneanother in
the new room – with the necessary emotional distance! “what has again
just happened between us over there?” The technique to desist from
oneself or from a situation and to contemplate it from a neutral
position from outside is called “to dissociate” or “to take an
eccentric point of view”.
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Analyze the conversation as if you were two neutral drama critics
having seen a drama together. Try to find out in a constructive
dialogue with your conversation partner what has happened on the stage
and how it could come to misunderstandings between the participants
and how the script could be changed so that new performances of the
same play run more smoothly in the future. If possible, don`t use the
words me and you while analyzing the conversation. Try to describe it
with the “one of us” and “the other of us” or the like. This helps to
create an adequate distance from what happened before and prevents
that remarks about the participants of the analyzed conversation are
seen as a personal assault in the here and now.
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Within the framework of a meta-conversation describe what you felt in
the analyzed conversation and what your (hopefully) good intention was
at that time. Take responsibility for all that has been under your
control. Communicate eachother, which message you understood and which
effect the behaviour of the other had on you. Develop suggestions for
improvement and express them in form of a wish.
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